"Six pints of bitter," said Ford Prefect to the barman of the Horse and Groom. "And quickly please, the world's about to end."
Here I am. Sitting back in my reclining office chair, sipping away at my eggnog-flavored coffee, feeling decidedly un-jolly for this time of year, thinking that I may have bitten off more than I can chew.
I have no idea where to start. Do I immediately head for the nearest low-sec, and then null-sec system? Do I scrounge around in High Sec for a few sights? Would such time spent in high sec be enough to entertain my audience?
Where will I go? What will I do? Why do my pants feel like they've shrunk two sizes since I last put them on?
Browsing the Eve Forums yields little results...a scattered system here, a pretty sight there, but nothing worth going out to see by itself.
Fortunately, I happen upon someone while I'm logged in who has some good advice...he suggests visiting the first Titan ever created, and destroyed, in Eve Online: Steve.
"Ooooh, a Titan" I think aloud, accidentally knocking my cup of coffee off the table and all over my unfortunate dog, who reacts by yelping and running around in circles until he gets tired of being overly dramatic. Stop whining, you sissy, it's only 2nd degree burns!
I've never seen a Titan before, I'm sorry to say. I've always wanted to...and one day, I hope to be destroyed by a Doomsday weapon. That would really be the feather in my Eve cap.
"To C9N!" I shout, eagerly pulling down the drop menu and selecting the nearest stargate to start my journey.
Or rather, that's what I tried to do. What actually happened was I forgot I was in Jita (I had just bought another 5 Rifters and the respective modules to fit them, in the hopes of even further complete and utter failure at pirating), and I was on my work's wireless connection. As a result, my noob ship decided it would be more fun to sit around and suck down the void of space.
Well, fine, if I'm going to be forced to sit here I'm going to make a profit. My plan was flawless:
I sat back and watched the cash flow in...it was genius, really. Soon I would have enough for a small kid's meal! Or maybe even a large iced tea.
I laughed maniacally as the terrified citizens bowed before my every whim:
Money, get away, get a good job with more pay and you're ooookaaay
Ignore the insurance payment, I had just lost a Rifter in my attempt to solo an Ishkur
With the enormous sum of 101.20 deposited into my account by the horrified masses, I logged out and waited until downtime was over, and I would be back at home on my good ol' super-fast network.
A few hours later, I was at home and ready to go. But I still needed to take a ship.
Hmm...a shuttle is fast, but I want to possibly make a little cash while I'm out there, because I expect to lose many, many ships (and my clone, with implants, because I don't have a jump clone) during my journey.
My hangar has a few nice ships in it: A Hulk (which I've used once), a Dominix, a small army of Rifters and Punishers, and a Salvaging ship...
...oooh, that'll work. I board my Destroyer, the Red Eye Express, and fit it out to make a little cash if possible, but avoid fights. Set up as follows:
Please be gentle.
Maybe they'll be merciful...probably not.
2x Tractor Beam
2x Warp Stabs
1x Small Armor Rep II
1x DCU II
Yes, those are Warp Stabs. The first time I've ever fitted them. I figure I'm going to get tackled at some point, and I'm not fighting, so I might as well be safe, right?
...Please don't pod me.
I plug in C9N to my ship's nav computer, and it gives me an astonishing 50 jumps to the Titan. Well...looks like I'll be visiting somewhere closer first.
I hear The Glass Edge is really nice...