Thursday, January 1, 2009

Day, umm...let's call it 5. Yeah. Day 5: What, me, forget to update? Noooo...

It's gonna take HOW long?!

*slips a hundred dollar bill into your pocket*

Hey, guyyy...there's always been an update here, didn't you see it?

So...yeah, setback after setback, it seems. Between puking my guts out while crapping my arse off at the same time, and spending too much time around relatives I'd rather avoid, the past week has been a little...sparse, I know. But let's not focus on the past, hmm? The Muffin man is back, and he brings updates! Glorious, blatantly unoriginal updates! Hooray!

You know, I've been training up for a CovOps ship, only I'm finding it could take a while, and I've been grinding missions for a long time, and--
*shouts of "GET ON WITH IT!"*

...Right. Ahem, sorry.

Time to dust off the cob webs, spool up the FTL, let Pedro out of the cargo hold, and continue with my epic journey.
...Okay, it's a journey, anyway. It'll be epic some day. You'll see! I show you! I'll show you all! I will rule ZA WARUDO!!1!

Inder is the first system I'm visiting, home of two places to visit, both of which charge exorbitant prices for a cup of coffee and a danish.

First up: Rich Man's Run.
This little outpost used to serve as a vault for the invading Amarr legions to store their ill-gotten treasures, much like the Germans in WWII, only without any awesome victory marches playing while some dude shouts "VICTORY BELONGS TO GER-MA-NYYYYY!!!"

Prayers and chanting just aren't the same.

Yes, there's an Acceleration Gate there. I didn't try to enter it, though. I needed a key of some sort =(

Oddly enough, I was distracted more by two Minmatar battleships who spent the better part of 5 minutes running into each other over and over again:

We definitely do NOT have Clear Skies

Though, to be fair, if my battleship looked like that, I'd probably try to just ram it into something, too.
lol, Minmatar.

Next on the list is Dream Port, a nice little orbiting station which, in true Minmatar fashion, looks like it could fall apart at any moment.
It seems the Republic really, really wants people to live on the crappy planet below, and is offering free housing and expenses to anyone willing to move there. Sounds like a bunch of freeloaders if you ask me. Freeloaders and REBEL SCUM.
Dream Port is a vital link between the Republic supplies and the planet below, which I can only assume means it will be annihilated by the Amarr soon, and we will all gather around and laugh, and place festive Santa hats on the frozen corpsicles that float around while the planet slowly starves to death.
So, you know, another day for the Caldari/Amarr Coalition of the Awesome.

Enjoy it while you can, ya freeloadin' hippies

That's it for Inder...up next is Hjoramold, a system that I can't even begin to know how to pronounce, for fear of destroying my will to live (and getting the urge to destroy everyone at CCP for using such damn hard to pronounce names).

See you later, Space Cowboy.

Oh,'s something I threw together when I was bored. Maybe it'll get a few laughs, though it requires you know the meme behind it.
But come on...this is the intertoobz. You should all know your memes by now. If you don't, you need to lurk moar.

Day 4: The Bunny Man, And Other Things I See While Drunk

Awww, it's just a rabbit...

Sorry for the lack of updates as of the past two days, but I've been trying to grind my way up to an 8.0 standing with a certain faction in order to get a jump clone. Nearly there, a few more missions should do it. I've realized I'd rather not lose the roughly 80 million Isk worth of implants that have been lodged into my skull.

Anyway, as of today, I've finished every sight in the local region, and even managed to make a quick detour to Luminaire to see the fancy-schmancy Caldari Titan. But more on that later.

Eager to continue my tour of the galaxy after grinding away at missions for the better part of two days, I head back 16 jumps to Uriok. This system has three major sights to visit, one of which I'm sure I was completely wasted when I visited.

Grabbing a delicious Guinness (from the planet of Ireland, of course) and a corned beef sammich, I warp my ship to an interesting little place called The Insurgent Encampment. In what will no doubt be a trend today, I've completely neglected to grab a shot of the information about the place, so we'll assume it's a camp for insurgents against the old Amarrian forces.
Actually, I think that's about right.

I rather like this shot.

Wanting to get this system out of the way as soon as possible, I warp over to the 2nd landmark, called The Culture Recess. It's actually a pretty unique looking station. From what I can remember, it used to be a place where Minmatard and Amarrrrrr tried to live together in peace and harmony, and daisies danced in the sunlight, and trees weren't in a crappy M. Night Shyamalamamalon movie.

Of course, Amarr being awesome and Minmitar being, uh, not, it didn't work out so well, and the place has mockingly been called "The Culture Recess" ever since.
All of this has absolutely no purpose other than to serve as filler for my post.

Can't we all just get along? No. No we can't.

Well into my 2nd Pint, I click on the "Warp to 0" bar for the last place: The Assassin's Overhang.
Once again I neglected to get a shot of the pop-up info bar, but it was something about an Amarrian general being lured and killed by Matari assassins, which is ironic, because the place now serves as an outpost for Amarrian agents to conduct SOOPER SEEKRIT operations and such.

Screw the insurgent encampment, screw the recess of culture, I HAVE FOUND THE GREATEST THING EVER.

As I fly around the area, I notice something...odd. A formation of rocks that looks like something vaguely familiar...

And then it hits me. IT'S A BUNNY RABBIT. A club-footed bunny rabbit wearing an armored dress or something, eating a melting ice cream cone, while hitting a soccer ball with a massive hard-on. I SHALL NAME HIM TED.


Still don't see it? Fine. Let me illustrate for you what I saw in my alcohol-infused mind.

Ted really likes ice cream, apparently.
Om nom nom

...I'm not sure if I drew an ice cream cone or a tree, but it was supposed to be an ice cream cone. I decided Ted would like to eat delicious Mint Chocolate Chip. And wear a dress with shoulder pads. And hit things with his dong. Don't ask me why.

I SAID DON'T ASK ME WHY. I couldn't explain it anyway.

After stumbling around in PaintShop for half an hour to make that wonderful illustration, I decided it was time to move on, and left Ted to eat his ice cream without any pants on. I shall never forget this system, or Ted. I will visit you again one day!

Rock on, Ted. Rock on.

Day 3: Dreams And Riches (On Loan From Others)

My friends, I am not a rich man. After all this time being shot at in the Eve universe, I still consider 50 million Isk to be a large sum of money. This is due to a number of things, namely my ability to fly any ship, and have it immediately destroyed, either in a failed yarring attempt, or by alt-tabbing out of missions because I absolutely must watch the Eve Badger video when I'm bored.
Which then gets stuck in my head all day.

Badger badger badger badger badger badgNO, NOT AGAIN DAMNIT.

I'll be right back.


Okay, I feel better now.

What was I talking about? Oh, yes, my penchant for utterly failing with whatever ship I strap myself in to.

I can blame only myself, really. I am a relatively indecisive person, and it doesn't change when I'm on Eve. I have my skills spread out covering damn near everything. Jack of all trades, master of none. I can use lasers, hybrids, missiles, projectiles, every kind of T1 ship from every race...I just can't use them well, it seems. In fact, my highest skill is in Drones, which I curse every time I step into my hate-it-because-it's-ugly-but-love-it-because-it's-strong-as-hell Dominix.

I recently spent 78 million Isk on a Hulk, and I've yet to make up the amount of money I spent insuring it and fitting it. It sits in one of the many hangars I've neglected, waiting to be used again. Sadly for the Hulk, I got tired of mining after 4 months of staring at strip miners. Maybe I'll come back it one day.
Maybe. Or I could just sell it.

ANYWAY, the point of my self-pity and wallowing in sorrow to the tune of Linkin Park is this: I'm broke. Dead freakin' broke, nearly all the time. At the time I headed out to the next place to visit on my tour, I had precisely 1.8 million isk in my virtual wallet.

Thus, I took a break from my tour for a few hours and did my first Level 4 mission in my trusty Domi. The mission was fine, and I tanked all the damage, but it took 8 minutes per Battleship to pop the damn rats' tanks. That's with large Hybrid turrets, t1 heavy drones, Sentries, and tons of points in both Drones and Hybrid operation, including tracking and all that. I made a nice profit from the bounties and salvage (about 8 million), but I dread another level 4 mission, if only because the thought of spending 20 minutes trying to kill a pair of Ravens makes me want to slam my face into the nearest hard object until I don't feel the pain of mostly AFK combat.

How does this relate to my journey through the Eve universe (or galaxy, rather)? Because I fully expect to lose a ton of ships and clones (I'm hesitant to lose my +3 and +4 implants, thus I seriously considered mission grinding until I get 8.0), especially once I traverse into Goon and BoB territory. Or the Red Alliance. I won't even be able to beg for my life with the Russkies!

This, of course, costs money. Money which I do not have. But this is not a call for Isk, and I'm not begging for hand-outs, so don't think of it that way. I fully intend to make money on my own...and if someone happens to donate something, then I'm very flattered. After all, I'm just a guy who wants to entertain a few people if possible, not get rich. Let me make it very clear I'm not asking for hand outs, nor do I expect them. But sometimes, the generosity of people amazes me.

As was the case with someone who I shall keep anonymous. You can imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and logged on, only to see the sum of 10 million isk deposited in my account by a very generous capsuleer, with an accompanying message of "Please don't yarr me :3"

My first though twas "HOLY SHIT, A LION! GET IN THE CAR!", but then I realized I wasn't on 4chan and settled down.

If the person who did such a kind thing is reading this, thank you, my friend. I promise I won't yarr you, and I'll try not to lose every ship I fit with the money you donated O_o

Day 2: Drown Your Sorrows. Then Hide The Body In The Back Yard.

He had an odd feeling of being like a man in the act of adultery who is surprised when the woman's husband wanders into the room, changes his trousers, passes a few idle remarks about the weather and leaves again.

After a short stint to take care of matters in "real life" (the graphics suck there), I'm finally back in my beloved little Coercer, the Red Eye Express. I strap myself in and exit the station hangar, happy to be back on my way, exploring the galaxy.

No, Pedro, you can't leave. In fact, I'm beginning to think you're a Cylon. Do you know what we do to Cylons? They get acquainted with the air lock.
Don't you ask me what a Cylon is! Now get back to cleaning, the blood stain won't get itself off the bulkheads.

Ugh. It's so hard to find good help these days.

As I exit the station and eject the dead hooker out into the vastness of space, I pull up my nav computer, trying to make sense of the various star systems. Hmm...a few more places I haven't been to in this region. Time to head out!

First up is Langissi, which, it turns out, is a rather depressing place. And I don't mean depressing like watching the Seabucks lose a game of Pyramid (holy god I'm a nerd), I mean depressing like "this entire system is filled with places to lock up insane people" depressing.

The first place I warp to is called "Sanctum Psychosis". Apparently, back before the Rebellion, this place was used to house the insane. Lots of bad things were done to them, people believe it to be haunted, blah blah. You know...the usual. It's like Waverly Hills. In space.

At least the insane had a nice view...

Why so serious?

Next up is The Asylum. Remember everything I said about Sanctum Psychosis? Yeah, same exact thing here.
This one, however, has apparently become a refugee camp. It's composed of two stations: The old Asylum, and a new port sitting near it.

Not where I'd want to settle.

Thoroughly depressed by the sights I've seen, I decide it's time for a change of pace. A short jump over leads to the system of Tvink. I first thought this said "Twink".
On a side note, never, ever google image search "Twink".

A beacon pops up on my status bar, and I warp over to a shady criminal hang-out, "Margin of Error".

I don't actually have any witty text here, this just looks cool.

0mgZ d00d, t3h 1337 h4x0Rz!!1!!!one!1!!

Sure looks nice for a criminal hell hole.

Interesting story about this place...apparently, years ago, it was home to a duel between two hackers, trying to show everyone that their 1337 H4x0R1nG 5K1llZ were better than the other guy's.
Lots of horrible grammar and indecipherable l33t-speak later, and a neural pulse ends up killing one and leaving the other to spend the rest of his life as a vegetable.
If I was a vegetable, I'd want to be an avocado.



One more sight in Tvink, a drug manufacturing outpost called "The Crystal Dust Compound", named for the drug.

It's yet another hollowed-out asteroid. Nothing particular intersting about it, though it does have a broken "Enjoy" sign stuck to it.
Speaking of which, whoever designs these things must have discovered perpetual energy, because every single "Enjoy" sign I see still flickers with energy.
Someone's making a huge profit off of manufacturing pre-broken signs, me thinks. It must be some futuristic version of those annoying "Baby on Board" window stickers.

Dude, I'm totally tripping balls...

Only three more systems in this area, then it's off to somewhere decidedly more dangerous. I hope. Damn these long training times!